Love can happen at anytime, anyplace with anyone...right? You decide.
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By Lynn Harris
Help me, Lynn!
I have been dating a married man. He is the person that I have been looking for my whole life. I can talk to him about anything and in return he tells me everything. I hear about all his problems at home. He is a truck driver, so he’s on the road and I get to see him every couple weeks. One evening, when I had way too much to drink, I decided to tell him about my very strong feelings for him. He wanted to know why. I have a very hard time expressing feelings and couldn’t spit it out. He told me that what I was describing sounded like friendship, but I feel so much more. He thinks that since I didn’t have a “good” reason that it must be infatuation and I will eventually “get over it.” It breaks my heart that he doesn’t understand how I feel. I’ve never felt anything like this for anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had boyfriends and thought that I was in love, but it was nothing like this. I think of this man as my best friend, my confidant. He makes me feel sexy and pretty. I enjoy spending time with him. Relations in the bedroom are some of the best that I have ever had, but even if that wasn’t part of our relationship, I would feel the same way about him. My problem is, how do I express how I feel? Last night he told me that he loves me and I swear that I saw stars.
– Helpless in Love
Dear Helpless,
This is not the answer you want to hear, but I’m afraid you’re asking the wrong question. It’s not “How do I express how I feel?” It’s “How do I get in the express lane out of this dead end?” I hate to be harsh, but I’m afraid I need to shine some high beams on reality here. This man is not the person you “have been looking for.” He is married. He is a person who cheats on his wife. He never sees her, and he still makes time for you. (I know you are flattered, but put yourself in her shoes.) He plays dumb about not getting how you feel — you’ll “get over it?” What was that about? — and then plays head games with you by using the word “love.” No, no, no. This is not how “best friends” treat each other. A “confidant” doesn’t dismiss your feelings. I’m sure he makes you feel great, you know, when he’s not jerking you around, but missy, he is leading you right on down the interstate.
What, really, is your goal here? What do you think will happen if he “understood” how you feel? (Which I guarantee you he already does—and is taking utmost advantage of it.) Do you want to keep things the way they are, only with more stars? Really? With a once-every-two-weeks “boyfriend” whom you can never introduce to your friends, enjoy without secrecy—or, say, marry? Or wait, do you think he will leave his wife for you? Look, even the cheaters who say they’re going to leave their wives don’t do it. Do not hold your breath. You may see a few stars now and then, but listen: That’s also what you see when you’re passing out. Please don’t lose consciousness here—of what’s really going on, and of how much better you deserve.
Don’t misunderstand me: I want you to feel sexy and pretty and loved. I get that your feelings are sincere. I know you can’t just turn them off. I don’t want you to be lonely. But I promise you, you will be lonelier in this relationship than you will anywhere else. Please, please: Start using the 13 days you have without him to fill up your life with something other than waiting for him. Friends, hobbies, a makeover: the usual corny stuff that really does serve to remind you that you have a life outside the motel room, that you have a life worth sharing with someone who can offer you the same. And then walk away. Yes, walk away.
It won’t be easy. Use the buddy system: Confide in a friend who will stand by you as you start to walk away and remind you that you are doing the right thing and that you deserve better than half a boyfriend who’s only half a husband to someone else. (I know your past boyfriends may not have measured up, but that doesn’t mean much in the scheme of things. It means they just weren’t right for you—not that this one is.) And start thinking about why you would find this arrangement acceptable, even thrilling. Is it the danger? The falsely-flattering sense that he loves you so much he’ll see you over his wife? The way you can protect yourself from really committing by knowing, deep down, that he never will? That’s your other homework. Once you tackle the tough task of believing that you are worth it, you’ll drive off into the sunset with someone truly wonderful.
Lynn Harris is co-creator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net—you can visit BG’s blog to discuss this letter! She is also the author of the new comic novel Death By Chick Lit. A journalist and essayist,
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